Being fat.

I have realized I’m fat. When I calculate my BMI it will tell me that I’m slightly overweight but I don’t think I would have ever considered myself to be actually  fat until the world started to do so. Actually, I used to be in good shape and felt kind of okay with the body I had, until a few years ago when I started to take medication that messed with my entire metabolism. Since then I feel like I can barely breath in the air around me without gaining a pound. And I can’t say that’s been easy.

Having been two completely different body types over the course of two years has made it painfully clear to me how weight isn’t the only thing you gain when you start getting fatter. People will treat you differently, they will feel more comfortable telling you about health tips they read online or telling you that that soda you’re drinking contains A LOT OF calories, and that it’s better to just stick to water. People will ask you if you’re dieting, people will tell you to work out when they are not aware whether that’s something that you’re already doing or not. People will do things they would have realized to be beyond rude if you’d been skinny.

The pressure to lose weight is already incredibly stressful but in this world where everyone who’s ever used the # fitgirl considers themselves to be a specialist it is almost impossible to eat anything without getting unwanted advice. I have lost count of how many times I just wanted to give up or have given up on eating better just because I could not deal with people telling me what to do anymore.

It has made me realize silly things like that when a normal-shaped girl smiles at a boy they are about twice as likely to smile back than when an overweight girl tries to do the same thing. It has made me realize that when you tell people you are insecure about your body they will no longer tell you that you’re worth something but instead tell you that working out is a great way to “change your mind-set about that”, as if they want you to “change your mind-set”  about it.

I am honestly not even that big. Some people would definitely still describe my posture as normal. I wear medium sized clothes and fat is not the first word people would describe me with. People who didn’t know me before the weight gain might not even notice and still I have experienced all these things. I have noticed all these changes and I have been hurt by people’s comments. I can only imagine what people who wear “large”  or bigger clothing go through.

It’s honestly like being fat is the absolute worst thing one can possibly be.  Like being fat has somehow become more important than being rude, or envious, or hateful, or arrogant, or dishonest. It’s like being fat is considered to be the absolute WORST thing that can happen to a  person.  Like it doesn’t even matter that you try your hardest to be kind and caring and to help and support the people around you. It’s like all that will ever define you is your weight. And I’m completely done with that.

I am done with trying to eat too little and obsess too much to please people who can’t even see that I haven’t only gained weight but that I’ve also grown into a person that 12  year old me would be proud of. That I’m actually pretty nice and smart and caring and emphatic. And if that isn’t worth anything to you than I have literally no reason to care about your judgment. Because I’d honestly so much rather be fat than be cruel.

woman girl fat fitness
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